READ THIS FUNNY SHORT STORY BUT ITS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

Other People's Houses:

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Ida Jessup's readings at the Glass Cottage were famous throughout the suburbs of Melbourne. Anyone who was anyone clamoured for an invitation to the once monthly meetings, mainly to say they had attended one; but for some, the deep seated belief that they would find something out about themselves or someone they knew was easily the most intriguing factor.

The lady in question took her business very seriously and was particularly selective as to who should attend. Initially, news spread by word of mouth until a number of deadly accurate forecasts, combined with some quite scary occurrences, elevated her name to the upper stratosphere of the clairvoyance world.

Ida's fees rose accordingly, so that only the better off among Melbourne's citizens could afford them, thus ensuring the commoners would find her much too pricey for their pockets.

The Glass cottage stood in its own grounds a mere stone's throw from St Kilda beach. Built on the site of an old glass works, it was neither made of glass nor a cottage. Ida had named it so on moving in and discovering its history, according to her, a house presented itself so much better by use of a name as opposed to a number.

Ida lived alone. Mrs Marion Lindsay walked the two and a half miles and back from Prahran every day to do for her and would stay behind on the thirteenth of every month, meeting day, to serve tea and look after the guests.

Only twelve at a time were welcomed since Ida liked to spend at least fifteen minutes with each of them. The tools of her trade, an ordinary pack of playing cards and her dimly lit parlour served to set her guests a little on edge, immediately giving her the upper hand.

Many wondered where her crystal ball was, or at least her Tarot cards. None came back to complain though and no one ever asked for their money back.

Ida's reputation grew and grew. In another time they would have called her a witch for her apparent ability to 'read' people, seemingly able to interpret their very thoughts. A lot of what she had to say was generalisation, a birth, a marriage or engagement, a business deal and Ida's favourite, fire.

Fires were commonplace and affected the lives of almost everyone in the area, maybe not directly but the knock on effect caused by a burned out factory or shop would inconvenience an entire neighbourhood. Bush and crop fires especially could bring a community to its knees.

So, she predicted fires with gay abandon and without having to pinpoint them. At any fire, people would murmur that Ida was right with her forecast, the same for births and marriages. The only thing she wouldn't predict was a death, not exactly good for business, people would surely stop coming if they thought they would hear of such misfortune.

She would 'talk' to the dead though, if she could glean enough information from her gentle probing she would bolster the reading by conversing with a dead relative and making all the right noises to her client.

The date played in her favour too. Ida wasn't in the least superstitious, but the majority of her clients were, human nature.

Ida made use of this, making mention of the thirteenth, or, roundabout the thirteenth, giving her a month's grace in which time her clients would surely be made aware of a birth, marriage, engagement or fire.

With so much money coming in, Ida would take herself off for a few days between readings, travelling the length and breadth of Australia by train and staying in the best hotels, where possible.

She could be gone for three weeks at a time but there was no rest for Marion Lindsay. The mail had to be attended to, and more importantly, Ida's pigeons required daily food and exercise. Come rain or come shine, Marion would walk the five mile round trip daily in order to keep things ship shape, it got her out of the house and the money kept her family in food and clothes since her layabout husband seldom worked.

On one such occasion when Ida was away, Marion's youngest son, Lonnie, came down with mumps and had to be kept off school. Her mother was also ill so couldn't look after the boy and her husband couldn't look after himself, let alone a child.

The boy walked the two and a half miles to Ida's with Marion. She made him lie on the settee and rest while she went about her duties, she had a mountain of mail to sort, gardens to water and of course the pigeons.

Ida found Lonnie in the parlour, building a house of cards to rid himself of the boredom. They had never met but the boy knew Ida was as famous for her temper as she was for her fortune telling.

The clairvoyant had cut short her trip on a whim, a whim and a missed connection which, it could have been argued, she should have foreseen.

Surprisingly, she didn't chastise the boy. Instead, she sat opposite him, waited until the house of cards collapsed then gathered them up.

Lonnie made to move away from the table but Ida told him to stay where he was, he could have a free reading, after he explained who he was. Lonnie told his story and wondered what all the fuss was about, this lady was no more scary than his old gran; less, if anything.

Ida shuffled the cards, closed the shades and lit the candles. She told Lonnie to cut the cards and place one stack on top of the other. Slowly, she dealt them, speaking quietly as she did, Lonnie would become very rich, very soon. He would grow to be a handsome young man, a favourite with the ladies, a successful businessman, a father of three, but strangely, one of the three, he wouldn't know of until he was an old man.

KAMA WEWE MTU MZIMA BOFYA HAPA CHINI

The boy didn't blink, he lazily gathered up the cards and shuffled them clumsily, told Ida to cut them and place one stack on top of the other. She liked the boy's nerve and did as she was told, a tight smile forming on her lips, it didn't stay there for long.

Lonnie began dealing, speaking quietly as Ida had but there was something different about his voice, different to when he had told her who he was and why he was there.

As he turned the cards he bluntly told her what he saw, not that he had to, Ida had been doing this since before the boy's father was born. She could read them for herself and was aghast, horrified. Lonnie saw what she saw, explained in great detail just how her future looked, the fire, the loss of powers leading to the loss of business, not a complete loss but enough to turn her clients away. Away towards a new master clairvoyant who would give dates, names and places to events so accurately, the world would embrace him as a genius of the profession.

Marion broke the mood, a welcome interruption as far as Ida was concerned. Lonnie took a few moments to come round and looked a little bewildered when he did. Marion put it down to the mumps but Ida knew better, she had witnessed the future, not uncommon considering her line of work but deeply unsettling. A shiver ran down her spine, Marion made her a nice cup of tea, Lonnie settled on the settee and closed his eyes.

The following day an electrician called to check the wiring and gave the Glass cottage a clean bill of health. He left as Marion and Lonnie arrived and the boy smiled to himself, this was noticed by Ida who shivered once again. Since she hadn't objected to his presence yesterday, she couldn't very well object now, could she?

The boy tagged along with his mum for the next three days, during which time Ida became more and more unsettled. On the last day, the Friday, two pictures fell from the wall in the parlour, fell for no reason, everyone in the house was in the same room at the time. Only Lonnie didn't appear startled by the noise. Shortly after that he fainted and Ida sent them home in a taxi at her own expense, glad to be rid of them, to be rid of the boy at least.

Over the next seven months Ida's confidence took a severe battering as many strange occurrences took place around her, usually when she was alone. The same two pictures crashed to the floor, not once but three times, no matter how well she secured them. They fell once in front of her very eyes and in the middle of a reading, a very important reading. The lady in question thought it was part of the conference and laughed nervously, then made herself scarce when she saw the shock on Ida's face.

Another time, again in the middle of a reading, the candles dimmed until they were almost lifeless then flickered back to where they were. This happened several times and this time Ida cut the reading short. Her explanation that the spirits weren't cooperating didn't sit too well with her client, nor the clients she turned away. Some had travelled for hours to be there and were unimpressed by her total lack of professionalism.

News spread fast, some clients blew holes in her predictions which in turn undermined her potency. Then, as she lay awake one night worrying about her future, she smelled food. Fried chicken if she wasn't mistaken. The clock said three forty-five, who would be cooking at this hour?

Suddenly curious, make that curious and hungry, she went to investigate and wished to God she hadn't. The pigeon loft at the bottom of the long garden was spewing smoke and flames. She had mistaken fried chicken for roast pigeon, an easy enough mistake to make in the circumstances and sadly, the final straw for Ida. She had seen it in the cards, no denying it, something was telling her to stop using the Glass Cottage to conduct her business. To save face and her tarnished reputation, from this day forward her readings would take place in other people's houses.

The fluttering of the pigeons in their death throes subsided and she wept silently; then, a strange sound like a baby crying. Not a baby, the cat which had found its way into the loft and upset the oil stove she used to heat it was coming to its rightful end. Ida allowed herself a tight little smile through the tears. Serves the bastard right. .
KAMA WEWE MTU MZIMA BOFYA HAPA CHINI